Preened Practice

You hear about teachers permanently scarring children in grade school from ever being or becoming competent in subjects. Sometimes, enough to completely discourage the child from enjoying their educational experience leading them to fail.

Well. It happens in higher education too.

Last Spring I began taking experiential classes in my program. It was rumored that regularly nice professors were absurdly difficult on students in these classes. Supposedly to motivate growth and preen pre-professionals into becoming professionals. But in my case (and several others), that rumor was very saliently a solid, harsh fact. My professor told me I should consider leaving the program. I wanted to, oh how I wanted to. But at that point I was determined to stay through the completion of the program no matter how long it would take since I had already took out a ridiculous amount in loans. Plus. I couldn't bear facing my family and being an Ivy-league-graduate-school-drop-out. I couldn't cop out then when all my friends back in Miami were cheering for me, living the NYC dream.

I was destroyed. I seriously considered changing my profession. I asked myself why, oh why, did I want to do this. And more importantly, if I was even capable of helping others if I couldn't help myself through those hard times.

Well. Today I received my midterm evaluation from my Practicum supervisor. And that nice man down right made me cry. I blabbered everything to him; about how I felt so insecure with certain (older) clients because my professor had made me feel so inadequately incompetent. And he said, "I don't know why he would say that...you're right where you need to be and in some cases even beyond it".

My faith in myself has been somewhat renewed. Of course I'm still learning what it takes to be a counselor- A LOT! And I know I'm far from being amazing. But I've regained a sense of confidence in myself that seemed so lost and unreachable. And in this field you need confidence in yourself to believe you can make a difference- even when clients don't show it or when they're rude or treat you bad. You need tough-skin to be another persons tough skin.

Such simple feedback made such a drastic difference in my own sense of self. Thank you, Professor.

“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose” -Charles Bukowski

As an imperfect being, we are I'm allowed to be off some days. We are I'm supposed to admit to being fallible. We are I am a walking pendulum.

But today was an extreme. I woke up a grump: I've been waking up by 5:00 AM naturally for the past week despite my efforts of sleeping in until 7:00. I snapped at Jon for taking up space. I roared at my mom for not being able to hear me through a windy phone call. I ridiculed myself at the gym. I whined about having to go to class and see a client.

I felt like Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown. Except the swirl of dirt was more like a shroud of crabbiness. And I could not stand myself.

Every time an outburst would escape, I tried to justify it by saying, "well I'm normally calm and have made so much progress on my overall stubbornness/bratiness/crabbiness I'm allowed to be grumpy some days". I was flaring at others for my own mood. But why the mood? I still have no idea. My afternoon was a bit less dramatic but I can't seem to understand where this explosion was originally lit.

Kind of ironic considering my happiness tips last night. Here's to a better day. Because after all, every day above ground is a good day.

"Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good"- Voltaire

I like to read. I like to read as both a distraction and a grounding.  I like to read things that give tips on improving my well-being. After all, I've been on this quest for about four years. I don't discriminate- I read scholarly articles, scholarly books (Martin Seligman, The Hendricks etc.), magazine quips, and especially Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project.


Mrs. Rubin also sends out daily emails with links to articles among other fabulous resources. Last week I received this lovely bit. I think it's especially important because while they're not groundbreaking discoveries, they're easy implemented possibilities.


8 Tips for Feeling Happier During an Unhappy Time

1. Remind yourself of reasons to be grateful. When things look really dark, it's hard to feel grateful, but remembering what's good in your life can help put problems into perspective. I have a friend who recently suffered a big disappointment at work. She said to me, "As long as my family is healthy, I can't get too upset about anything." This may sound like hackneyed advice, but it's really true.

2. Remember your body. Take a twenty-minute walk outside to boost your energy and dissolve stress. Don’t let yourself get too hungry. Get enough sleep. Manage pain. When you’re anxious, it’s easy to stay up late and eat ice cream -- and that’s going to make you feel worse in the long run. It's very tempting to run yourself ragged trying to deal with a crisis, but in the long run, you just wear yourself out.

3. Do something fun. Temporarily distract yourself from the stress, and re-charge your battery, with an enjoyable activity. Watching a funny movie is a reliable way to give yourself a pleasant break, and listening to your favorite music is one of the quickest ways to change your mood. When my older daughter was in the intensive-care unit as a newborn, my husband dragged me off to a movie one afternoon -- and that few hours of distraction made me much better able to cope with the situation. Be careful, however, not to “treat” yourself by doing something that’s eventually going to make you feel worse (taking up smoking again, drinking too much, indulging in retail therapy). My comfort-food activity is readingchildren's literature.

4. Take action. If you’re in a bad situation, take steps to bring about change. If you’re having trouble with your new boss, you could decide to try to transfer. Or you could change your behavior. Or you could find ways to pay less attention to your boss. Ask yourself, "What exactly is the problem?" It's astounding to me that often, when I take time to identify a problem exactly, a possible solution presents itself.

5. Look for meaning. Re-frame an event to see the positive along with the negative. Maybe getting fired will give you the push you need to move to the city where you’ve always wanted to live. Maybe your illness has strengthened your relationships with your family. You don’t need to be thankful that something bad has happened, but you can try to find positive consequences even in a catastrophic event.

6. Connect with friends and family. Strong relationships are a KEY to happiness, so fight the impulse to isolate yourself. Show up. Make plans. Ask for help, offer your help to others. Or just have some fun (see #3) and forget your troubles for a while.

7. Make something better. If something in your life has gotten worse, try to make something else better – and it doesn’t have to be something important. Clean a closet. Organize your photographs. Work in the yard.

8. Act toward other people the way you wish they’d act toward you. If you wish your friends would help you find someone to date, see if you can fix up a friend. If you wish people would help you find a job, see if you can help someone else find a job. If you can’t think of a way to help someone you know, do something generous in a more impersonal way. For instance: commit to being an organ donor! When you’re feeling very low, it can be hard to muster the energy to help someone else, but you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel. Do good, feel good; it really works.

I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier.

Four more days. That's the last surge I need to endure. The beginning of this past week was so hectic, it took me three days to recover by being comatose, only alternating from my bed to the couch. Not to say that my mind has been a blank. On the contrary, I've had so many "inspiring" thoughts I didn't know what to do with them. I wanted to avoid long convoluted posts about 500 different things; I need to focus. (Challenge!)

Hence the lack of, well everything.

On the one hand, I wanted to stick to my resolution of writing daily. But I also had to remember my other resolutions to take time for me. It's a hard balance. Especially for myself because I'm the type to dance from each polarity (case in point).

I wasn't completely unproductive. I booked our European vacation. I tidied up my resume & cover letter to get ready to mass mail them this week. I even cracked open one textbook to catch up on 17 chapters worth of readings.

I might even try to make another post today to compensate. March madness indeed.

Vastness

"We succeeded in taking that picture [from deep space], and, if you look at it, you see a dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived out their lives. The aggregate of all our joys and sufferings, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species, lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam. The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner of the dot. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity -- in all this vastness -- there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us. It's been said that astronomy is a humbling, and I might add, a character-building experience. To my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known." --Carl Sagan

"The mind can take a moment and recreate it for you if you practice. In this way, nothing ever ends, no one ever dies, and everything is right there in you --and all these snapshots become a scrapbook of your mysterious existence. "

'Tis I!

Michelle

Is me

In a shell

Non- lackadaisical

Wittingly so.

However. Michelle

Is not a bell

To be rung, hung or strung.

Simply put

Michelle

Is me

The language of love

You and Me Forever: 3/11

This is my cat Oliver Rupert. He is my baby. Yes, I am a crazy-young cat lady. Andrea snapped this flick this afternoon in one of our cuddly-moments. I adopted him from a shelter when he was a wee 8 weeks old when I was living in Orlando, FL during my first semester of undergrad at UCF. I was trying to get out of a bad relationship and thought buying a pet would be a good transition out.

13 in MacBook @ 8 wks, 12/05

I don't want to insult Oliver and compare him to a dog. In reality, he is more like a person. (I know this sounds crazy). Oliver "talks" (you know, his "meows" sound like he's saying "food" etc), understands, and listens: he is completely empathic and communicative. He runs to the door when he hears me coming home. He follows me from room to room. He LOVES cuddling. He opens doors with his massive paws by sliding them under the door and pulls it towards him. And he has asthma- so he snores and purrs like a maniac.

And me? I treat Oliver like a little person- because quite frankly he's big enough to be one! He's a Mainecoon, meaning he's a ginormous fluffball. When he is stretched out he reaches halfway up to my ribcage from the floor and is 18 lbs of fur. I bring him along on trips. I give him a bath every other week since he has so much fur and gets dreadlocks (like mother like son). 

Cat Naps- 12/05

Spoonin', 1/11

And apparently, we spoon. Jon caught this moment during an afternoon nap. Yes, I am proud to admit that I'm a crazy cat lady.

Untitled

There are six and a half billion people in the world today, but I am still me. Amuse me and avoid the generic questions as to who I am as a person, with interests and characteristics combined and conjugated to create the insides of my five foot four stature, because I have yet to answer the question for myself. I can sit here and dissect traits that I have inherited, those that I have acquired. I can sit here and explain my background with facts and figures. Can the superficial qualities I reserve for the acquaintances I mingle with be accounted for inspection because, really, that is a part of me that many associate my name with. I consider myself a superhero of the modern world for I have three identities to suit different standards for different groups to avoid unnecessary drama: Mika, Michie, and Michelle. They are all very real people to those I perform to; all absorb knowledge from the outside world and integrate it into my developing mentality.

Mika (ME-kuh) is the girl that everybody loves, plain and simple. The definition of learned gender, the experiment of theory on socialized young women, and the girl assigned different by society norms that creates half of the attention. Mika is who I introduce myself as when I am making a contact, when I run into someone that I might need a favor from later in life, when I have no desire to become more then small talk conversation to them. She is the girl who gradually developed throughout the harsh teachings of adolescence living in a big city dominated by an exotic culture as described by the rest of the country. She is the giggle and the wink that seeks mischievous adventures, gossiping in Spanish to enhance the effects.

Michie was borne out of claiming sincerity and care. Michie, (ME-chi) is harsh against the ears compared to its elongated form, but usually lingers off the tongue since used only during intimate occasions. She peeks out of the shadow only when called upon by dear friends and family. She is the shy young child with the big laugh, polite and polished poise, raised by old-fashioned, respected-in-society Argentine parents. She is home, she is comfort, cozy and cute hidden amongst the overstuffed pillows on giant sinking sofas with a drink in hand at small get togethers for the holidays.

Michelle is the number to society, the taxes, and the winning vote. Printed legibly on official documents, asking to sign hereHEREandhere. She gets called during attendance and converses with the adults. The healthily insured classified by the professionals as “Young Hispanic Female, 5’4, 100 lbs, Bi-polar” in order to keep the sessions coming. A natural accident, happily welcomed into the family with a seriously sweet name just in case the decision to deviate from the traditional woman role arises but pretty enough to be begin from the throat and float from the mouth into the surrounding air alluding to classic femininity. Her vocals become higher in pitch while words are said with a smile to deter from the double-sidedness of the name for she is the same girl who is called when despair flows within the body. Hysteria allows for the whispering “Michellllllle” to ease the spirit.

So what is my gendered identity? It is Mika, it is Michie, it’s Michelle, each shaped into different characters with the same underlying goal. Throughout life I have come to learn the simplest path to my own happiness is to allow for those surrounding me to believe they are flawless so I inspire their self-esteem and transform to their norms, to their ideals while I can still get the thrill of adventure and truth. I know I am not just what name rings to my ears each time but the completed frame of three ideologies combined to form one complete, whole, constantly learning, always transforming being, because people, society, and the world never stay static, so why should I?

-Women's Studies Final, Fall 2006

This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object

I don't even know where to really begin to sum up the conference. To say it was empowering is an understatement. I had intended to write up the notes I took but I'm distracted, behind, and just want to touch on a couple of points. I know I'm not doing it justice but I also don't want to burn out my ideas considering I still have to write the paper.

The theme for the weekend was Indigenous Voices: Witnessing the Wisdom of our "Elders". The elders on the panel included Joe Ponterotto, Jean Lau Chin, Teresa LaFromboise, Thomas Parham, Joseph Trimble,  and Melba Vasquez. All of them quite literally made me cry at several different points. Looking back, I think what made me so emotionally connected to the speakers was the fact that they are all minorities who overcame their struggles despite the odds.

There's a mantra I follow which Dr. Parham brought up: we must contextualize our struggle. The fact that stuff happens is inevitable, but it's how we look at it that makes the difference.


I haven't had the easiest life. Compared to many, I had barriers growing up with few privilleges. But it could have been worse. I'm known within my circle for being the "outspoken feminist" though I can't say I believe the label. I'm blunt, independent, and not afraid to speak my mind when they try to step on my toes. But I always force myself to put my situation into perspective.

I've made it quite far, thanks to my mom. And every panel member declared their mother as the protagonist in their stories. Mothers who advocated for education, for independence. Despite the difficulties I had with mine during my teenage stint, I've always looked at her with the same admiration. I don't remember much of my life before the age of seven but I vividly recall her always telling me to do the same: get an education, be independent.

My roundabout point is to remember roots- both family and chronicled histories. Because we are nothing without our pasts no matter how hard we try to fight it.

Melba Vasquez closed with, "we're here for you to stand on our shoulders just as we stood on the shoulders before us and for the next generation to stand on yours." Thank you.

Keep on keeping on

Yesterday I whined about exorbitant conference fees. But in all honesty the speakers and presenters are phenomenal. I believe I've learned more in this conference about multiculturalism and myself (even as a racial-cultural being), than I have during the course of my studies.

I have so much to write about the experience. But I'm going to save that for tomorrow when I have more time to process the entire experience. Instead, I'm going to share another one of my all-time favorite songs.

Four Tet- As serious as your life.

If I were to have theme songs playing in the background of my life, this would be on repeat. If there was a video camera inside my brain, this is probably one of the songs that would always be in the scene. This song is me: the rhythm of my thoughts, the electric pulse of my emotions.

Competence

Midterm season is always unnecessarily hectic. I don't understand the point of purposely assigning all major exams and papers within the same period. I mean, doesn't it end up being stressful for the professors too?

My brain is kaput and I've just started. Today I was forced to attend a "multicultural conference" that requires attendance tomorrow as well. Interestingly, they make attendance a requirement for course credit (1 course= $1,300) in order to graduate. But the conference is open to all and any individuals in the country for about $300. It's a bit unfair that we have to pay a significantly higher amount for something we're forced to attend and then have to write a 10 page paper on. Ohhhhhhh academia.

On a positive note, it's midterm season! Meaning the semester is halfway over! Woo hoo!

Let's take a nap.

This is my lovely bed. And my BFF Mr. Pillo, who is 22 years old. Every night I greet my bed with open, gracious arms. Ready to be engulfed in it's comfort. Tonight, I am especially eager.


"Poem of Low Latitudes"- Mike Dockins

Let's crumple calendars,

smash watches.

Let's throw ropes around the Moon,

never stop swallowing its linens.

Let's recline the way the horizon does, 

every evening, yawning across Tropic lines.

Let's fill a hammock with limes.

Let's fall asleep on the reef,

stare up through clear water at trembling stars.

Let's climb a coconut tree & squeal like monkeys.

Let's ride a trade wind like paper airplanes.

Let's watch the sky wheel & wheelfrom under straw hats.

Let's count a billion stars,lose track at a billion minus one,

then start over, until we glitter with white sand.

Let's tumble together until the earth is flat.

Let me sail like Magellan into you,unfold the maps of your roundness.

Let's hope for the volcano.

Let's reinvent the godless universe ballooning.

Let's crawl into a conch shell & bang on a bongo.

Let's build a bonfirethat boils away the atmosphere.

Let's sublimate, evaporate, condense.

Let's get drunk on the real stars—

helium engines strummingour own cores to a glow.

Let me wear your warm skin.

Let's simplify: skin, nerve, synapse, nucleus, hydrogen, quark, the unpronounceable....

Be vulnerable.

Brene Brown- The power of vulnerability

"Learn to lean into discomfort"- BB

Great, enlightening talk. I realized just how overly vulnerable I am which, leads to the opposite effect of shutting down. I know it's a common scenario- we get hurt too much and too hard and in turn decide to avoid being available to others. Unfortunately this eventually leads to being unavailable to ourselves. At least in my case.

Funny, it took a few minutes of this video to help me realize that despite being in grad school for 1.5 years where I'm supposed to become aware of myself. Or I can say that thanks to the prodding of my academic program it has led me to the insight achieved by this clip; drove thought into action and mirrored my internal frame of reference into my external reality.  Yes, I'll stick with the latter.

Here's to being vulnerable.

optimal oasis

South Beach, Summer 2006

I'm a nature-oriented person. I may not hike mountains or go "real" camping. But I photosynthesize off greenery, thrive off of fresh air.

It's snowing outside. My body jumped awake when I sleepily opened one eye at 4:30 and noticed the white sheet covering the sky leaving a pinkish glow. I'm excited. For a minute I thought there wouldn't be any more snowfall this season. Especially in the city, snow helps remind me that it is a sentient culture, that we're not simply living in a robotic consumer-driven snow globe.

I need nature. To ogle, to feel breathing on my skin, to remember to be alive.

Three Mile Island, Harrisburg PA, 2008

PA Back roads, any-burg, PA, 2008

Miami Sunsets, 2005

Snow Stars,  Camp Hill, PA, 2007

"optimal oasis"

photosynthesis-like soul

sprawled amongst a netted bliss:

honest ground kisses deep roots

guiding branches towards the north,

panoramic perspective beams

glittery sunshine, blazing

kaleidoscopic patches against closed eyes.

masturbating senses marinate in

longing as serenity sedates

the current state of being.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you- Jung

I'm not going to write about how I've found two crucial flaws in my paper (1. not actually including  the theoretical perspective in the conceptualization 2. not addressing multicultural issues)  over the past 24 hours after thinking now twice that it was finished.

Or about all the readings I have to catch up on for my classes because of working on said paper.

Or the fact that after a month and a half of being "disabled" with a knee injury I was able to go to the gym and not whimper in pain (I'll see how I feel tomorrow...)

Instead. I'm just going to share my love for this song. A love so deep that held it as my ringtone on my old phone for five years on that precious, old school Blackberry pearl. A love that lights my day, my mood, and my overall thoughts whenever I hear it.

After all, lovin' is what I got!

:)

Listen to the pauses in people's speech. There, often, is where the message lies.

I've twaddled the majority of the day away trying to decipher whether copying my own words constitutes as plagiarism. Why? Because my thesis/"Special Project" is a case study. Which involves a case conceptualization. Which I wrote about one specific client twice last semester because he was my longest and most consistent client therefore I've had the most to write or rather, conceptualize about him. I have yet to come to a confident decision on the matter. But considering the thin ice I'm already on, I will tread against the simplistic (read:amazing) copy&paste function and reword my previous papers, some how.

I mean if you think about it, it's a bit unfair considering I finished up my fieldwork last semester and thus have no new clients to write a decent conceptualization on!

I thought about writing about my semi-recent foray into NYC-driven consumerism due to having to buy a new smart phone ( I strongly dislike that term. Just ups the ante of technology becoming too persona-fiable). But that's a whole other sheboggle.

Instead, some interesting reads:

For the anti-scholarly-article-read: Does Insight in Therapy Equal Happiness?

And for the therapy enthusiasts particularly interested in Humanistic & Positive psychology (who would have thought the two "happiest" mediums were at each others throats?) : What is the Good Life?

Wake up kids, you've got the dreamer disease

Ever since I can remember I have had serious sleeping problems. Bordering on insomniac tendencies.

For the most part my sleep patterns mimic my mood patterns. I'll go 1-2 weeks where all I think about is sleep. Once I hit the mattress (or couch) I instantly conk out until the next morning. My alarm tries its best to do its duty once the sunshine comes around but it's usually unsuccessful. The other half of the month I spend dreaming about dreaming. I may fall asleep easily but I wake up with this intense need to rise at 3-3:30 AM and am unable to sleep again till the sun rises. It's pretty annoying- particularly in the short days of winter

My point about disclosing this was to go on about how I'm a morning person. Even when I sleep 2-3 hours a night. There is nothing I enjoy more than starting my day while every one else is fuzzily comatose. The mornings excite me. Night comes around and my brain is tired, my eye lids droop, and the level of my whineyness hits maximum potential.

So I don't know why I keep trying to post at night. It sucks. I sit at the screen and wonder why I'm doing this to myself at this time of night. To hold true to my resolution! But forcing myself to write isn't doing much for my motivation. Not to mention the fact that I wanted to do this to improve writing, not just whine.

We'll see. We'll see.

Breakfast of Champions

Wednesdays have never been a super day for me for one reason or another. This time it specifically revolves around the fact that I don't get out of class until nine. Which is kind of ridiculous. Even though the professor is pretty amazing. Nine is just ridiculous.

Plus, I'm just making excuses because I slacked off most of the day after I finished the majority of my thesis. I had all the intention to write before bed. But I passed out watching Dilbert episodes on Netflix (who knew Dilbert had a series in the late 1990s?!?).

Today, I did what every (read: most) female New Yorkers dream of doing at some point in there city existence: I went to the Barney's Warehouse Sale. So I left empty-handed, at least I ventured over and can now check that off of my superficial bucket list of things to do while still living in the city. Honestly, maybe it was because we went so late in the afternoon, but there was nothing worth dropping "sale" money on.

And as we made a pit stop at Better Burger so I could pump some iron, protein, and overall fatty grass-fed, free-range hormone-antibiotic meat into my system since I've been re-suffering my "pseudo-epileptic episodes" and need to monitor my diet, Andrea was offered the job at the hospital she applied at thanks to her soon-to-be sister-in-law.  (run-on much?) Only Andrea can land a high-paying, part-time job with amazing benefits at a coveted hospital within five days of a spontaneous interview. And honestly, that's part of the reason I love her so much.

We ended the afternoon with a celebratory drink at some random pub in the Penn Station area. We use to wake up and celebrate the day with a "breakfast of champions" which consisted of a 12-pack of beer poured in coffee cups split between us. Now with responsibility and a not-so-up-to-par bodily system I gave her the Appletini I ordered to ching-ching with and sipped on a delicious Magic Hat #9.

I always enjoyed Thursdays.

Andrea's Celebratory Toast, Penn Station, February 2011

Universal ethics (?)

Morality. It's one of those concepts that lacks a prescriptive answer. Most of us know the universal taboos. And some of us venture into the negative realms despite knowing better.

While I've been looking through my books and old notes for the sake of writing this paper, I came across some concepts I bolded, capitalized, and underlined all over the place. Why? Because this relatively simple concept does not apply solely to the mental health profession.

Ethically speaking- not legally, we are "required" to take four questions into account when making a serious decision. Looking over the questions I realized how universal they are. Would I not ideally think about these ideas before doing anything rash? Honestly, now I would but 20 year old me probably not so much.

Remley & Herlihy (2010) asks us to consider four self-tests before making a final decision or once it is made:

            1) Think about justice—Would you treat others the same?

            2) Would you suggest someone else to take similar action?

            3) Would you be willing to have others know how you acted?

            4) Do you have lingering feelings of doubt or uncertaininty about what you did?

One of the aspects that initially drew me to psychology way back when was the fact that it's all-embracing knowledge.  I might quadruple my bank account as a business major, but have no idea how to relate to others. Knowing about basic mental processes can be beneficial in any situation: in intimate (or not so much so) relationships, at work, when reading etcetc.

Yes I whine and complain about school sometimes. But I love learning. So I copied these questions down and put them up on my inspiration board. Maybe it'll help me curb the random bursts of selfish jealousy that creep up on me.

Because in al honesty, if I can't apply concepts to my own personal life, how am I supposed to be able to help others with theirs?

Manic Mondays

Today was a weird day. For every positive event that happened an equally negative one would occur within a short period of time. I'd get so full of happiness and then BAM! Bad news struck... over and over again.

But one thing that happened today cannot be taken back. Despite occurrences and emotions, this one will stick. Today, I picked up this:

Master of Arts en passant, Teacher's College 2/14/11

Yes, that's right. After a completing 45 credits and a 30 page comprehensive exam I was given this rather large and expensive piece of paper. This means one down one to go. When (if) I ('m) allowed to graduate, I'll then have my Masters of Education- a whopping 60 credit (but mine is worth 62!) title. That also means I have to successfully finish the "Special Project" which is essentially a thesis due this upcoming Monday... that they just handed out today. Funny thing is this paper doesn't say anything about what the degree is about. Makes me wonder what the reasoning behind the vagueness is...

Ahhhh academia. The politics are persnickety but it feels darn good to have something to prove my efforts thus far. 

This is dedicated to my Mom, my best friends Soraya & Andrea, who are always there to listen to my cries, and Jonathan- who's ridiculous patience has been the muscle holding me together the past year and a half.

"Knowledge is when you learn something new every day, wisdom is when you let something go every day"- Emerson

I'm too distracted to write anything of meaning thanks to the Grammy's and that odd performance by Dylan &Mumford&AvettBrothers. Not that I particularly have any useful insights this evening. Anyway...

Instead, here are some short snippets of wisdom. All of which were taken from the blog Peacocks and Candi

First, something to remember next time an argument/discussion/frustration arises...

"We use our tongues as uncontrollable weapons of mass destruction...The thing I want you to consider is the reason why people yell in arguments. They want you to hear them. So do you best to give your undivided attention. Even then some people are just immature and will say things to intentionally get under your skin. You do not have to respond to everything another person says."

And now, some thoughts to think to jump start any day:

Life is full of arrivals and departures

Sticking to a resolution with friends around is difficult, especially when they're on vacation world. So my unofficial temporary hiatus is now officially over. One friend is gone, the other has moved her luggage into the spare closet and taken up residence on the couch.

It's an exciting time no doubt. My best friend living with myself and my boyfriend...and my cat. Three of my grandest loves in one house. 

Here's hoping I can curb my controlling tendencies and not snap at silly situations because it's not "my way". And new adventures!

Down the rabbit hole

"Be aware in everything you do. Let your every act be dynamic to your consciousness. To live automatically is to slip backward on your evolutionary climb toward perfect awareness."


How often do we go through the motions without even realize what we're doing? I know most mornings I fall into this trap during my commute. Only sometimes snapping out of it when I get elbowed on the train. Ohhhh the small glories of city life!


It's challenging though- always being aware, being present in the moments that you'd especially not want to be in. Sometimes I think that's a big chunk of it. You know, being too tired or frustrated of the same commute, the same tasks so you (I) just daze out to get there, somewhere some form of end. But the point should be to appreciate or at the very least acknowledge where you are in each moment- as mundane as it may seem.


Here's to appreciating being alive and actualize. And having the ability to pay attention.

"I coulda been a contender..."

"My size Corona" Times Square, Summer 2010

We grow up. We change allergies every seven years. And apparently, we lose our alcohol tolerance. I used to have a heavy hand and a lenient liver. Now? Not so much.

Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. In some way I believe it to be some kind of blessing. Kind of like my body's natural way of just saying no. But in another way, I think waking up at 1:00 am because of two beers on a non-empty stomach is a little unfair (and ridiculous).

I guess this is growing up....

How to listen...

 (who wouldn't want this to wake up to?)

Ahh, Oliver. He makes me happy. Whoever said pets make you happier (or something along those lines) was spot on. I can't imagine my life without him.

Speaking of happiness, here's an article Gretchen Rubin posted about feelings. I remember reading the same article back when I began my internship. And it's so true. Sometimes (or more so), we presume others to feel how we feel as opposed to letting them actually express themselves. This article helps realize how little listening and how much assuming we really do in our daily lives.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Dumplings

Summer of Love 2006, (Mom's house)

Flight to NYC for TC orientation, June 2009

305 Spring Break, March 2010

Andrea is one of my best friends. We have been since the 7th grade (1999) marking our friendship a whopping 12 years old! That's half of my existence!

As of tomorrow, she will officially be living with us. Needless to say I am super excited. Our other best friend is coming up to help her move her stuff. So this week will be full of goofy pictures and memorable antics. To hold true to my daily posts, I'm most likely going to stick to photo-bloggin' so I can fully enjoy this mini-vacation with them.

No reality transforms itself

"Certain mental attitudes resemble postures of the body. Do you lean forward mentally, as if to grasp things before they happen? Do you lean back, as if to distance yourself from life’s unpleasantness? Do you lean sideways, as if forever seeking a new strategy? Keep your mental posture upright and relaxed, and you’ll find within you the power to cope with every difficulty."

I've always leaned to the side. Makes perfect sense: I tend to think the grass is always greener. I avoid endings, closure is difficult, so I tend to try other ways to work around any sort of finale. (Definitely not psychologically healthy). I almost kind of want to say that now the universe makes perfect sense after reading this.

For the past year and half my posture has been a major focal point. I know, I know my mom has forever been trying to have me stand up straight with my shoulders back. But it felt uncomfortable and unnatural! When I was "diagnosed" with epilepsy I discovered how essential the roles of breathing and proper posture really are. By becoming conscious of my mind-body connection I was able to curve the likelihood and severity of the pseudo-seizures. Start to feel anxious? Take a deep breath and let the exhale last longer than the inhale and visualize the negative feelings blowing out.

My posture still needs much improvement. After all, adjusting a 23-year habit doesn't happen instantaneously. But I have become extremely aware of how it makes me feel. For an instant stress reliever, I lower my shoulders. That alone helps reduce anxiety and helps remind me to focus on breathing. Pushing them back is a bonus.

Speaking of becoming more self-aware, I discovered this gem that sums up my perspective on time: 

"Think of time as a radiation outward from your own center. Past and future are a circle rotating around a never-changing present."

Being a visually oriented person has its advantages, even if I sound crazy most of the time. When I think about my past or even the future, the images are encapsulated in small bubbles floating around me, where ever I am at the moment. It's always nice to know that someone else out there views things in a similar manner. Plus, I have an affinity for circles and who doesn't like bubbles?

Here's to remembering to breathe!

An education will get you...

In April 2009, while I was preparing to start the ultimate South American-European adventure I checked my e-mail when I got home from my job at a domestic violence & sexual assault center. There was one from said school telling me to check the college's portal to discover what my academic destiny would be. Honestly, I had forgotten I had applied to the school because it was a last-minute whim in the last week of January, before applications were due.

I checked the portal. I was at home, alone, per usual. I read the words again and again. Finally, it registered: I was accepted. I, Michelle, first-generation American daughter of Argentine immigrants, all-around minority student and typical statistic of a single-parent household. I was being told that I was accepted at an Ivy league college. I yelled so loud I lost my voice.

I think I remember that being one of the happiest days of my life. I was so proud of myself. I was accepted into an Ivy league institution. I joked and said it was so they could fill their minority quota. My life changed. No longer could I escape off to romantic global adventure. This meant it was time to finally move to the city of my dreams, at a school who's name on paper would get me anywhere.

I'm 13 weeks away from my potential graduation as an Ed. M student. I have loans up the wazoo because this institution is expensive, and as I found out once I had already sent in my deposit, they do not grant Master's students financial aid. And now, I'm being told I might not receive that little piece of paper that I have spent so much time, money, stress, and wrinkles over.

My advisor e-mailed me nonchalantly at 12:30 this afternoon despite not able to meet until Tuesday. That is five days worth of anxiety-attack inducing stress I need to endure to find out what my future holds. I'm trying to tell myself that everything will work out for a reason- one way or another.

But it's hard. It really is.

Without a presence, there is no absence

"High Tea" Esca, February 2011

Yesterday I had a bit of a mini-breakdown. As I was trying to pick an outfit to go on a date Jon and I had planned thanks to restaurant week, a nice whopping reality-check slapped my self-esteem to the sewers.

For a few months I had been pining to go to Esca because of it's slow-food mentality. And thanks to specials we could take advantage of it. I knew it was impressive considering the review sites labeled it as "$$$$" and while I don't own any fancy frocks, because let's face it I can't afford the SATC lifestyle, I do own some decent items. But yesterday, the outside world was quite literally an ice-skating rink and there was no way to leave the house without rain boots and cozy pants.

I know we all have an "I-don't-have-anything-to-wear" dilemma every once in a while. But I instantly fell into a pity party. Why don't I have nice, professional clothes when I'll officially be one in May? Why don't I have a versatile closet? What have I worn the past year at my other job? Why have I gained all this weight since living in the city and my decent clothes doesn't fit right? Why is this restaurant giving me the Cinderella-syndrome?

I was knee-deep. I cried. I yelled at Jon. I took out the majority of my closet to try on. I did not want to go to the restaurant of my dreams anymore if it was going to make me feel like a scrub. Why did I deserve or think I had the right to go to such a place? I kicked Jon out of the room and remembered to breathe. Here I was with the perfect opportunity to try new things, have a romantic date, feel nice about myself, and I was throwing it away because of a tantrum.

I quickly threw on a nice tank with my thick Gap sweater and stuffed my black "professional" pants into my Tretorn rain boots and decided to face the disapproving looks of staff. At least if I didn't look fancy, Jon didn't either and we'd be in it together, like a couple. And if they didn't approve and try to offer us blazers, then we would keep our dignity and patron a different restaurant. It's NYC right? Everyone dresses crazy!

As we travelled over my confidence starting swelling, "well screw them if they don't accept us!" We made it finally, where a very attentive staff that was kind despite their initial reactions of seeing us, and sat us at a small table full of different sized utensils that we had no clue how to use. Jon and I looked at each other agreed: we felt like little kids wearing our parents clothes. We were the youngest ones there among business executives and ladies-that-lunch.

We were out of place, but we ordered anyway. And it was one of the most delicious meals I have ever had. (Note: if you ever go, order the spaghetti a la bolognesa!)

This seems to be a recurring theme in my NYC life: finding a niche to fit into, a balance between my young-professionalism versus my peter-pan roots, feeling classy enough to dress-up my single-parent-lower-middle-class Argentine roots in this sky-high concrete city. It's one of my personal demons that is always lingering in the back of my mind, where I've come from. And I never want to become one of those adults that consider Applebee's fine dining.

But hopefully, I can do as I did yesterday and overcome the negative voices and enjoy what I deserve. Grow into myself and who I'm meant to become: appreciate the skeletons in my closet but ignore their taunting voices.

"In order to love yourself, you must behave in ways that you admire" -Yalom

(walk to class, Teacher's College, Fall 2010)

What's with today, today? 

(Today was a wonderful day. Details manana)

2011 Resolutions

February 1st is here which means I've somewhat successfully made it through the first month of another hectic year. Back in December, Gretchen Rubin's "How to Stick to your Resolutions" article help me articulate some goals I have for the present & future. Very helpful tips to stay focused!

Since the first month has now passed and I've made decent progress with said goals, I figured I could publish it without shame now. This week I'm going to try to actually formulate and fill out her "resolutions chart" that she shared to see if I can improve. Sticking to her outline, here they are:

What would make me happier?

• (a) Something good: 
• Feel better about myself (incorporate self-esteem boosters) 
• Focus & find my center and/or passion; enjoy more
• Write!
• (b) Something bad:
• Complain/whine less!
• Stop/Lessen nagging!!
• Be less jealous & insecure
• (c) Fix something that doesn't feel right:
• "atmosphere of growth"
• learn new things, adjust beliefs, reframe things
• myself & my outlook
• relationship with Jonathan

What's a concrete action that would bring about change?

• (a) Stay active: physically, socially, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, professionally, chemically
• Blog to enforce writing--progress to NaNoWriMo
•  Treat myself 1x/week if possible, at least 2x/mo (to anything)
• (b) Turn negative thoughts into neutral/positive ones via reframing
• Avoid being sneaky/slick/sly
• Stay honest
• (c) Try different things to see what works
• Go on 1-2 dates weekly, spend time apart
• Make "inspiration Board" to organize thoughts/ideas
• Record everything (to not forget!)

Am I a yes/no resolver? (Do I do things better with a positive/negative connotation?)

• Relatively equally motivated, depending on the situation.
• Definitely not absolutist!

Am I starting small enough?

    YES!

How am I going to hold myself accountable?

• Blog
• Record things
• Ask others for opinions & perspectives