You're a good man, Charlie Brown

Is it too early to start complaining about my new job?

Complain isn't the right word per say. More like a misunderstanding due to miscommunication a top my already gloomy demeanor is resulting in a lot of whining and questioning on my part.

I don't grumble this much out loud or in "real life". In fact, that's the problem. It stays bottled up until I explode and viscously lash out at unsuspecting victims. And then I feel bad and apologize despite really meaning what I say. And start bottling things up again etcetcetc.

So despite this bloggy-whineyness, I believe it is best to get it out one way or another .

After all, all this growing up stuff means I can't keep throwing temper-tantrums, right?



How do you release your thoughts & emotions without hurting others and/or appearing overly negative?Please share your thoughts!

Alas, I am still alive. (Or am I?)

Here I am, a week later. Full of sleepiness. Full of excuses. Full of definitely not myself.

But I do have a good reason for my absence. Two Saturdays ago I received a call at 11 am.

I was offered a job. And I took it. Without thinking (much).

They wanted me to start ASAP, which meant this Monday. But due to my last remaining graduate school final, I started Tuesday after signing the papers officially on Monday- after said final.

I didn't want to announce anything to anyone before I signed the HR papers. And then I started working and have been so exhausted I completely conk out within minutes of getting home.

So here I am.
After my last graduate school finals.
Before my official graduation.
After my first official week as a Mental Health Counselor.
A few days before my 24th birthday.
First time on the computer since last Saturday (no lie).
Completely pooped- physically, mentally, spiritually.

And here I go. To sleep. Before 9 PM on a Friday night. And I have no problem admitting that.

V's Variability

variable |ˈve(ə)rēəbəl|adjective1 not consistent or having a fixed pattern; liable to change 
Before taking the billions of research oriented classes I've taken, I never really understood the term variable.
Now I do. Oh how I do. And it has come to be one of my favorite words.
I like the fact it can be easily applied to several situations- taken out of scientific context and variably used. (hah!) I like that its soft sounding and includes the word "able" making it sound positive. 
And, most importantly, I like the fact that it describes a loyal aspect of my own nature: having a fixed pattern of inconsistency. (More or less). I like to pretend that I'm consistent. Heck sometimes I even thoroughly believe myself. But then something happens and I'm back at it all over the place. Changing plans, making big moves. Delusional with dreamy expectations.
And I (sometimes) love it. After all, what is life without a bit of variability?

Do you have any particularly favorite words? Or do you have a habit of taking words out of their original context and applying them generously?

R's Resilience (risking resistance for resting relaxation)

Deer goodness. I am quite literally drowning in work and angry group members- talk about a major case of resistance of trying to cooperate together to finish a stinking silly paper.

I haven't had the chance to adequately think about this topic because of said silly group, difficult professors, and running on 2-3 hours of sleep per night. But, this is a topic I really want to delve into at a later date- when I have been a bit rested and relaxed and far far away from the negative resistant attitudes of stubborn group members.

This is me being resilient to the silly situation. Bouncing back to try to completely my own goals in the best way possible that I can manage right now. Operative term being "right now".

I's Insight versus Ignorance?

**My best friend who has been living with us was admitted to the hospital yesterday morning and will most likely be there through tomorrow. Point being I have barely left the hospital which has no service. Again, sorry for not having the chance to visit blogs but I’m running on 3 hours of sleep and all over Manhattan/Queens**

My belief as a therapist is that insight will enable individuals to overcome adversity and achieve progress towards their self-actualizing process.

But this article brings about a good point. Does insight always help? Sure, ignorance can be blissful but it depends your philosophy on life, I suppose. If you’re looking for a quick fix and purposely avoiding the intricacies of life as you know it then gaining insight will probably have a negative impact (at first) if you’re not quite ready to delve into that arena. Though working through it can help.

Life, as I’ve learned, is all about timing.

Are you for insight or “ignorance”? I like to think I’m insightful but there are certainly times when I choose ignorance over awareness.

E is to Empathically Emote

"When you extract a splinter it hurts, briefly, but then you feel relief, even pleasure. When you find a fault in yourself it will hurt, briefly, but it you keep going and acknowledge the fault, you are likely to be rewarded with a flash of pleasure that is mixed, oddly, with a hint of pride. It is the pleasure of taking responsibility for your own behavior. It is the feeling of honor."

-Jonathan Haidt- The Happiness Hypothesis

Obvious: We are emotional creatures.
Not so obvious: Sometimes what we think are emotional reactions are really our brains interpretation of      them turning them into thoughts.
Semi-obvious: It's much harder to identify the fundamental emotion underlying said thoughts

Maybe all of the above statements are well-known facts, but I learned them the hard way (graduate program in mental health counseling anyone). Where you're graded on discovering emotional awareness, insight, and developing appropriate cognitive reactions in yourself in order to then help others.

And these emotional experiences affect our self-esteem (obvious). And this in turn affects are ability to empathize. We may confuse our own emotional/thought processes as an attempt to demonstrate to our friends we understand them, that we hear them.

But do we? Think about it. How often are you having a conversation with a friend when you say "Man, I feel your pain" but what you're really doing is rehashing your own experience and projecting it on to another? How often do you ask others how they are doing and let them get by with a simple "Fine, Great, How are YOU?"

My point is, we think of tend to think of emotions as a by product of life when the truth is that for most of us our emotions are unconsciously or not, the driving force maneuvering our thoughts, our actions, and broadly our overall existence. But we tune out, instead of tuning in creating barriers in communication.

And quite frankly, I think its time to start tuning in. Because if we can't figure our how we're feeling we're far from capable of empathizing with others and creating meaningful connections.

A is for Acceptance

"Ruin is the road to transformation" - E. Gilbert

Last night's meltdown was dramatic and long awaited. In retrospect, most of my life has been comprised of similar events. Which brings me to my point: no matter how many "self-help" books I read, and how much I study psychology in a partially vain effort to figure myself out, I will be stuck on this rickety, treadmill until I learn to and can fully (to my ability) accept myself.

I know, I know. Obviously not groundbreaking. But in the wee hours of this morning as I panicked about what my future may not hold and looked into the mirror and saw a face swollen with fear to the point of  masking my natural ethnicity with that of my Asian compadres due to torrential sobbing, it broke my ground.

I will always have meltdowns because it is MY nature. I will always experience my highs like a tsunami and lows crashing from the Empire State building into a sewer hole. I will always have a crabby, bratty streak to balance my empathic ears. I will always have an element of impulsiveness to challenge my yearning for stability.

Because this is me. And I can curb my cravings and endeavor to match the solidity of a bonsai. But I will accept my volatile nature. And learn to appreciate it.

Death of a student.

Dear school,

For the past 1.5 years you have made my life miserable and crushed my dreams. You have ripped me open, stepped on and tossed out my guts straight into the sewers for the rodents to feast. You have kicked me in the stomach when there has been nothing left. You have yelled at me for first being TOO emotional and then being un-emotional. My heart has quite literally been squeezed to death, left shriveled and useless.

You have left me with unpaid hospital bills, more mental health issues than my clients, and the shell of my body with no mind, sense of self nor esteem within. You have crushed me over and over again. I can only take so much from you and I seem to have found my limit.

WHYWHYWHY

Internal flooding

Yosemite Sam meets Elephant, Subway art 3/11

What do you think of when looking at this picture?


I originally snapped this flick on the train the other day because I thought it was some kind of cute little creature. I don't remember what mood I was in at the time. Right now, I see a nervous, anxious little critter. Red with nerves, red with embarrassment, and maybe even a little red with anger. Uh, projection much?


It's only been four days since I began my career-quest but I can barely concentrate on anything else. Or rather if my mind does manage to drift, it focuses on feeling stressed about writing another paper and a client intake by Monday.

But when I sit to try to work on these I decide to compulsively check job listings and my nerves grow to such a point that I close out the internet and try reading my references until I realize I've read the same line 10 times and I don't know what I just read and re-open my internet to browse random information like that bing commercial until I decide to get up to get the blood flowing and peek in my kitchen to see what I can eat to keep myself distracted long enough from my own thoughts only to realize nothing has magically appeared in my fridge since I last checked about 5 minutes before so I sit back down to re-read the same scholarly articles and so on. Back and forth, back and forth in pendular motions.

Bladdyblahblah. Maybe! If I talk/write/think about this enough that it will allow the thoughts to avalanche right on out. Flooding! I will flood these negative nuisances right out of my cerebral capacity!



What do you think about when you seen this little creature?

Quality worlds

I thought I had posted this yesterday but apparently not...

Anyway. As I was studying, I came across Glasser's "Choice Theory" modality. It's one of those theories that are so ridiculously obvious, you wonder why you weren't the one to put it into words first.

One of the basic concepts in Choice Theory is "Quality World" which is:

"Every one has a quality world that includes images that make up the life we'd like to have, including people, things, experiences, values... people are motivated by what is in their quality worlds, so they are more likely to find satisfaction in life if they are aware of what is in their quality worlds and if those things are attainable and meet their basic needs"

Duh!

It did get me thinking though. What is my "quality world"?

Family, best friends, Oliver, the beach, mountains, greenery, honesty, love, emotions...

What's your "quality world"?

"It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see" -HDT

There it was: a big, red "REJECTED" stamped across a plain white sheet of paper with my bolded name and contact information in the header followed by a plea for employment. As I looked closer I realized I was not only rejected- I was downright ridiculed with a red finger pointing out at me. The more I kept staring at the sheet of sadness I realized the paper was suddenly talking. That's right, a talking sheet of paper with black-framed glasses and beady eyes not only rebuffing me but calling me out. Telling me, "who do I think I am trying to apply for professional positions with this excuse of selling yourself !"

My eyes jumped awake as much eyes can possibly actually jump but the room was dark. Reaching for my phone, I realized it was only 3:30 in the morning. I was supposed to sleep until 6:00 and then start working on sending out my resume. That was my plan. That's why I had worked on editing my cover letter the night before.

But at that point I was so paralyzed with fears of inadequacy I immediately propped open my laptop and started editing the letter. Correcting the same lines over and over again. Trying to make myself sound like a viable candidate for otherwise menial positions. At 6:30, I closed my laptop and tried to find some peace with the back of my eyes but I still couldn't. I had developed a cold, nervous sweat despite the open windows blowing in 26 degree snowflakes. Next thing I knew it was 9 am and I could barely move from my bed from panic.

I sent out the first round of applications this morning. And I already received one rejection back. And you know what? It feels as terrible as I had imagined it would despite the respondent wording it nicely. Before I moved to the city, I had applied at literally over 100 random positions. But the rejection didn't phase me- I believed they were the one's losing out.  Now, I feel stupefied. There is too much responsibility riding on these applications.

Now, I'm really a grown-up looking for a grown-up job with my grown-up degrees. The anxiety is overwhelming. I already had one pseudo-seizure/anxiety attack today before coming to class. All my self-soothing methods have failed me, all my classroom learned techniques a flop.

And now? I wait. Just like the thousands of others unemployed Americans.

Change clothes

Change. Such an innocent motive propelled my mind into long-forgotten memories.

In an effort to prolong my procrastination from homework, I decided to take down my change jar and count. Imagining I had maybe an hour's worth of meaninglessness to occupy me from the voices telling me to do real work. Plus, for some reason counting change has always fascinated me. As a kid I used to offer my services to my family and spend hours taping dirty coin wrappers formed by a cheap Bic to emerge with blackened digits.

10 minutes later and I was done. In those short moments, existentialism got the best of me.

Up until relatively recently I've been an avid supporter of change- changing myself, my surroundings. Anything really. I've gone through every hair color (including pink, purple, and teal), gotten up and moved cities when bored, and numerous different aspects of myself and environment when possible. I thrived at the opportunity to switch life up. I would call them adventures.

Now? Not so much. I still like change. But something about it scares me now with major responsibilities in tow. No longer do I have the support of anyone to pick up the pieces if I get in too deep. No longer can I say things like, "I want to do xxx before I'm 18/21 so it doesn't stay on my record". No longer can I  up and go without over analyzing my moves not to mention caring about my impact on others.

Yes, I'm growing up and I understand that has something do to with my semi-craving for stability. But what happened?

Preened Practice

You hear about teachers permanently scarring children in grade school from ever being or becoming competent in subjects. Sometimes, enough to completely discourage the child from enjoying their educational experience leading them to fail.

Well. It happens in higher education too.

Last Spring I began taking experiential classes in my program. It was rumored that regularly nice professors were absurdly difficult on students in these classes. Supposedly to motivate growth and preen pre-professionals into becoming professionals. But in my case (and several others), that rumor was very saliently a solid, harsh fact. My professor told me I should consider leaving the program. I wanted to, oh how I wanted to. But at that point I was determined to stay through the completion of the program no matter how long it would take since I had already took out a ridiculous amount in loans. Plus. I couldn't bear facing my family and being an Ivy-league-graduate-school-drop-out. I couldn't cop out then when all my friends back in Miami were cheering for me, living the NYC dream.

I was destroyed. I seriously considered changing my profession. I asked myself why, oh why, did I want to do this. And more importantly, if I was even capable of helping others if I couldn't help myself through those hard times.

Well. Today I received my midterm evaluation from my Practicum supervisor. And that nice man down right made me cry. I blabbered everything to him; about how I felt so insecure with certain (older) clients because my professor had made me feel so inadequately incompetent. And he said, "I don't know why he would say that...you're right where you need to be and in some cases even beyond it".

My faith in myself has been somewhat renewed. Of course I'm still learning what it takes to be a counselor- A LOT! And I know I'm far from being amazing. But I've regained a sense of confidence in myself that seemed so lost and unreachable. And in this field you need confidence in yourself to believe you can make a difference- even when clients don't show it or when they're rude or treat you bad. You need tough-skin to be another persons tough skin.

Such simple feedback made such a drastic difference in my own sense of self. Thank you, Professor.

“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose” -Charles Bukowski

As an imperfect being, we are I'm allowed to be off some days. We are I'm supposed to admit to being fallible. We are I am a walking pendulum.

But today was an extreme. I woke up a grump: I've been waking up by 5:00 AM naturally for the past week despite my efforts of sleeping in until 7:00. I snapped at Jon for taking up space. I roared at my mom for not being able to hear me through a windy phone call. I ridiculed myself at the gym. I whined about having to go to class and see a client.

I felt like Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown. Except the swirl of dirt was more like a shroud of crabbiness. And I could not stand myself.

Every time an outburst would escape, I tried to justify it by saying, "well I'm normally calm and have made so much progress on my overall stubbornness/bratiness/crabbiness I'm allowed to be grumpy some days". I was flaring at others for my own mood. But why the mood? I still have no idea. My afternoon was a bit less dramatic but I can't seem to understand where this explosion was originally lit.

Kind of ironic considering my happiness tips last night. Here's to a better day. Because after all, every day above ground is a good day.

This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object

I don't even know where to really begin to sum up the conference. To say it was empowering is an understatement. I had intended to write up the notes I took but I'm distracted, behind, and just want to touch on a couple of points. I know I'm not doing it justice but I also don't want to burn out my ideas considering I still have to write the paper.

The theme for the weekend was Indigenous Voices: Witnessing the Wisdom of our "Elders". The elders on the panel included Joe Ponterotto, Jean Lau Chin, Teresa LaFromboise, Thomas Parham, Joseph Trimble,  and Melba Vasquez. All of them quite literally made me cry at several different points. Looking back, I think what made me so emotionally connected to the speakers was the fact that they are all minorities who overcame their struggles despite the odds.

There's a mantra I follow which Dr. Parham brought up: we must contextualize our struggle. The fact that stuff happens is inevitable, but it's how we look at it that makes the difference.


I haven't had the easiest life. Compared to many, I had barriers growing up with few privilleges. But it could have been worse. I'm known within my circle for being the "outspoken feminist" though I can't say I believe the label. I'm blunt, independent, and not afraid to speak my mind when they try to step on my toes. But I always force myself to put my situation into perspective.

I've made it quite far, thanks to my mom. And every panel member declared their mother as the protagonist in their stories. Mothers who advocated for education, for independence. Despite the difficulties I had with mine during my teenage stint, I've always looked at her with the same admiration. I don't remember much of my life before the age of seven but I vividly recall her always telling me to do the same: get an education, be independent.

My roundabout point is to remember roots- both family and chronicled histories. Because we are nothing without our pasts no matter how hard we try to fight it.

Melba Vasquez closed with, "we're here for you to stand on our shoulders just as we stood on the shoulders before us and for the next generation to stand on yours." Thank you.

Competence

Midterm season is always unnecessarily hectic. I don't understand the point of purposely assigning all major exams and papers within the same period. I mean, doesn't it end up being stressful for the professors too?

My brain is kaput and I've just started. Today I was forced to attend a "multicultural conference" that requires attendance tomorrow as well. Interestingly, they make attendance a requirement for course credit (1 course= $1,300) in order to graduate. But the conference is open to all and any individuals in the country for about $300. It's a bit unfair that we have to pay a significantly higher amount for something we're forced to attend and then have to write a 10 page paper on. Ohhhhhhh academia.

On a positive note, it's midterm season! Meaning the semester is halfway over! Woo hoo!

Be vulnerable.

Brene Brown- The power of vulnerability

"Learn to lean into discomfort"- BB

Great, enlightening talk. I realized just how overly vulnerable I am which, leads to the opposite effect of shutting down. I know it's a common scenario- we get hurt too much and too hard and in turn decide to avoid being available to others. Unfortunately this eventually leads to being unavailable to ourselves. At least in my case.

Funny, it took a few minutes of this video to help me realize that despite being in grad school for 1.5 years where I'm supposed to become aware of myself. Or I can say that thanks to the prodding of my academic program it has led me to the insight achieved by this clip; drove thought into action and mirrored my internal frame of reference into my external reality.  Yes, I'll stick with the latter.

Here's to being vulnerable.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you- Jung

I'm not going to write about how I've found two crucial flaws in my paper (1. not actually including  the theoretical perspective in the conceptualization 2. not addressing multicultural issues)  over the past 24 hours after thinking now twice that it was finished.

Or about all the readings I have to catch up on for my classes because of working on said paper.

Or the fact that after a month and a half of being "disabled" with a knee injury I was able to go to the gym and not whimper in pain (I'll see how I feel tomorrow...)

Instead. I'm just going to share my love for this song. A love so deep that held it as my ringtone on my old phone for five years on that precious, old school Blackberry pearl. A love that lights my day, my mood, and my overall thoughts whenever I hear it.

After all, lovin' is what I got!

:)

Listen to the pauses in people's speech. There, often, is where the message lies.

I've twaddled the majority of the day away trying to decipher whether copying my own words constitutes as plagiarism. Why? Because my thesis/"Special Project" is a case study. Which involves a case conceptualization. Which I wrote about one specific client twice last semester because he was my longest and most consistent client therefore I've had the most to write or rather, conceptualize about him. I have yet to come to a confident decision on the matter. But considering the thin ice I'm already on, I will tread against the simplistic (read:amazing) copy&paste function and reword my previous papers, some how.

I mean if you think about it, it's a bit unfair considering I finished up my fieldwork last semester and thus have no new clients to write a decent conceptualization on!

I thought about writing about my semi-recent foray into NYC-driven consumerism due to having to buy a new smart phone ( I strongly dislike that term. Just ups the ante of technology becoming too persona-fiable). But that's a whole other sheboggle.

Instead, some interesting reads:

For the anti-scholarly-article-read: Does Insight in Therapy Equal Happiness?

And for the therapy enthusiasts particularly interested in Humanistic & Positive psychology (who would have thought the two "happiest" mediums were at each others throats?) : What is the Good Life?

Universal ethics (?)

Morality. It's one of those concepts that lacks a prescriptive answer. Most of us know the universal taboos. And some of us venture into the negative realms despite knowing better.

While I've been looking through my books and old notes for the sake of writing this paper, I came across some concepts I bolded, capitalized, and underlined all over the place. Why? Because this relatively simple concept does not apply solely to the mental health profession.

Ethically speaking- not legally, we are "required" to take four questions into account when making a serious decision. Looking over the questions I realized how universal they are. Would I not ideally think about these ideas before doing anything rash? Honestly, now I would but 20 year old me probably not so much.

Remley & Herlihy (2010) asks us to consider four self-tests before making a final decision or once it is made:

            1) Think about justice—Would you treat others the same?

            2) Would you suggest someone else to take similar action?

            3) Would you be willing to have others know how you acted?

            4) Do you have lingering feelings of doubt or uncertaininty about what you did?

One of the aspects that initially drew me to psychology way back when was the fact that it's all-embracing knowledge.  I might quadruple my bank account as a business major, but have no idea how to relate to others. Knowing about basic mental processes can be beneficial in any situation: in intimate (or not so much so) relationships, at work, when reading etcetc.

Yes I whine and complain about school sometimes. But I love learning. So I copied these questions down and put them up on my inspiration board. Maybe it'll help me curb the random bursts of selfish jealousy that creep up on me.

Because in al honesty, if I can't apply concepts to my own personal life, how am I supposed to be able to help others with theirs?